At 1:00 AM this morning, the Lord gave me a Father’s Day present.
Now, I know what you’re thinking… Kids give their Dad’s presents on days like today. But God is different. He is a perfect Father. Even both of my Earthly fathers, Robert Vaughn and Phillip Allison, look for excuses to spoil me rotten on Father’s Day. They always have. How much more then does our Father God, who is perfect, look forward to bestowing gifts on us that no one else could ever give?
God has been working on this one for a few weeks.
He started by prodding me to broaden my understanding of my relationship with him. Many of you who know me, may know that he does this through showing me natural examples of relationships I already trust. For example, when he was prodding me for the position as lover of my soul he would show me the numerous ways I already had complete faith in Clayton’s love for me; despite not fully trusting in the Lord’s.
A few weeks ago, God used my father, Robert Vaughn. He reminded me of a time when I was young that I was battling an abnormally severe problem at school. I was a gifted student, unaccustomed to failing, who was thrown in with a group of teachers who believed you should teach gifted students by piling 10 times the volume of work on them; instead of more advanced concepts. I had three friends that year (seventh grade) who tried Speed for the first time out of desperation not to fail. I had a learning disability hiding in the shadows, and felt doomed to failure.
God reminded me, as if it were yesterday, of what my father did. He learned what my problem was, and saw my desperation, and he became very angry.
He got up in my face and said, “CJ, I want you to fail!” I was so shocked I actually laughed at him, but he just kept repeating it over and over again. “I want you to fail the 7th grade.”
I told him he was crazy. I couldn’t fail. It wasn’t an option. My life would be ruined forever and ever amen.
“You’re not looking at it right!” he said with tears in his eyes. “I know how smart you are! You know how smart you are! What they believe doesn’t matter. You’re not even in high school yet! This year will be washed away after next year. I’m not telling you not to learn. I’m telling you not to allow yourself to be held to their ridiculous standards! You love school. You will learn anyway. Just do your best, and know that I don’t care what they say. Right now, your mother and I are the only voices that matter.”
I began to cry and object, “But they will get me in trouble!”
He pulled me into his lap and said, “Sweetheart. If they give you any trouble… you tell them your Dad told you to fail. You are just doing as you’re told. They can come pick a fight with me.”
In the end my father was right. I let go of my desperation to please them. I stopped killing myself and destroying my health. I cried as I watched my friends buckle under the pressure, but I didn’t go with them. I went from straight A’s to straight F’s (except for French where my teacher was not crazy). The following year, after “failing,” I transferred cities and schools. I was so advanced that I was literally pulled out for independent study in nearly every class, because they didn’t provide the level I needed. I eventually went on to begin college in high school, and complete an AA, BA, and MBA. Surprisingly enough, no one seems to care that I failed the 7th grade.
I tried to understand what the Lord was showing me by reminding me of this. I realized that in my current life, I have been waging a war that for all practical purposes looks impossible to win. I was beginning to buckle under the pressure. Losing is simply not an option. God was taking the time to point out that he is my Father God, and more importantly, “You’re not looking at it right.”
I don’t have to win at all. God wants to fight my battle for me; not the other way around. They can “come pick a fight with me.”
Daughter of God
I have been trying to let his latest little revelation sink into my spirit; the same way I had to adjust my thinking as a child. Then this Sunday, I went to a trusted friend of mine for prayer. She is a prophet of the Lord and an Elder I respect very much. I never tell her what I need or want prayer for, because she never needs me to. She just tells me what I need to know anyway.
She took my hands this time and said, “You need to understand that you are a daughter of God.”
I nodded my agreement, remembering that the Lord had brought the subject up before. She then shook her head and said, “No. You are a daughter of God. He loves you. He calls you his Go-Go girl.” She then giggled and said, “He says that about me too. He loves his go-go girls, that he can trust to go when he says go.”
Since Sunday, I have been trying to understand that better in my heart, because I know my struggle is not with the concept but with the actual tie to my identity.
This week has been a struggle beyond imagining. I have been launching a new wave of effort in the battle for my husband. My house was foreclosed on Monday. My church helped me schedule a prayer appointment Thursday for my daughter’s upcoming birthday next Wednesday (she would have been nine). Then Friday took my legs out from under me completely, when we discovered that my Mother-In-Law had passed away suddenly in her sleep without ever seeing justice for her son.
My Father’s Day went up in smoke, as no one from either family can even bring themselves to do more than grieve. Then the Lord decided to give me his Father’s Day present instead. A dear friend sent me a prophetic word she read and felt was for me on the 16th; the day before my Mother-In-Law passed. I did not get a chance to read it before, but she reminded me tonight when she saw that I was puttering sleeplessly around Facebook. My heart is so broken; not only by loss but by anger that she never saw justice. The message was all about it being God’s timing for breakthrough, but a particular line caught my attention.
It said, “There was still a drop of faith that was working inside of you, and the faith I had given you was working its work.”
Just after reminding me of the event with my father, God began bringing an image to mind over and over again. It was a picture of a mustard seed. It immediately reminded me of the bible verse Matthew 17:20, where Jesus explains, “Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
I remember thinking, "Yes, I know, it doesn't take much."
But then he brought the image of my father all those years ago, angry and stern. I could feel the, "No! You're not looking at it right." Then he showed me an image of Pioneer Peak, and he said, "Find the seed."
I remember thinking... Wow! My perspective REALLY is off, isn't it? No matter how many times I’ve heard that verse, I never truly tried to visualize it the way I should. Why? Because it’s impossible to do.
Even after the realization, I have tried to focus on the seed and understand why he was emphasizing it to me. What relevance did it have? But when I read that line just now, "There was still a drop of faith..." I finally understood, and it brought me to tears.
He whispered to me, "You were asking. Why would you even ask me if you possess something so small?"
I didn’t even truly realize that I was beginning to doubt my own ability to move mountains. My Father God, however, took this Father’s Day to remind me that I don’t have to. I’m a daughter of the King. He loves me. I have more than enough faith in him, and they’ve picked the fight with him; not with me.
(c) 2016 Christiane Allison